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The Rituals of Apologies,
Feedback, and Opposition According to Tannen, women tend say "I’m sorry" more frequently than men, but often what they mean is "I’m sorry that happened," not "I apologize." Women are often simply lending concern and empathy to the other individual; this is a way to establish a connection. Many men avoid apologies because they see them as putting the speaker in a "one-down" position. What is to be done? It is important to first realize the differing ways women and men think about apologies. Then you must reflect on how often and how quickly you apologize yourself. It can be appropriate and powerful to apologize and take responsibility for your actions if you did indeed make a mistake. Certainly as a coach, you have a huge role to play in modelling self-responsibility. But it is crucial that you not apologize too quickly. You need to gather the facts and determine your role in whatever happened. Otherwise, you may end up apologizing for something you did not do and, as a result, be seen as less confident and less trustworthy as a coach. Concerning feedback, Tannen states "… styles of giving feedback contain a ritual element that often is the cause for misunderstanding." Giving and receiving feedback is an essential part of all relationships and your preferred style as a coach needs to be clarified with your athletes and with colleagues you might be required to critique or evaluate. Do you like to mitigate your critique of an athlete’s training or race/game performance with praise, or do you like to simply critique what could be improved? Tannen argues that many women tend to give feedback in at least two parts: first, by talking about what is positive and then by critiquing the problem or issue. This is a very effective way of giving feedback, but Tannen suggests a problem can arise if the individual receiving the feedback does not clearly understand or listen carefully to all of the feedback. Because women athletes in general tend to be self-critical, two-part feedback can be effective. Perhaps one of the best ways to avoid problems is to simply ask for the preferences of each athlete, female and male. Knowing what kind of feedback each athlete wants and acting in accordance with that information goes a long way toward becoming a very effective coach. Elaine Dagg-Jackson knows that both her women’s and men’s teams at the national level are ready to listen and want to know everything and anything that will help them be better. "The important thing is delivering the message in a positive way," she says.
Margaret Langford, three-time Olympian in white water kayak and world cup silver and bronze medallist in 1997 and 1998, feels that while there are fundamental differences between female and male athletes, when it comes to feedback "… I personally want the direct information, the facts." Susan Auch, one of our most successful speed skaters and silver medallist in both the 1994 Lillehammer and 1998 Nagano Olympic Games, is perceptive in her preparation for racing and in her understanding what she needs in terms of feedback. "I want the whole texture – focused on how I feel." She also believes, as Margaret Langford does, there are fundamental differences between female and male athletes. "Male coaches often don’t understand women athletes. They sometimes have a hard time seeing what is really happening. A woman coach would be much more in tune with the thought processes of women." Opposition, the final key concept of Tannen’s that we will look at, illustrates what might be called a classic difference between female and male behaviours. Women often take arguments too literally and certainly too personally. Men can have an argument, challenge each other loudly and vehemently, and then later that day, act like nothing ever happened. Male athletes training and travelling together can follow a similar pattern. As a sport psychologist with women’s teams and men’s teams, in individual and team sports, I probably spend more time working through issues and difficulties with the women, although there has been a shift in recent years as male athletes are starting to talk more about concerns within the team. What I attempt to do, regardless of gender, is use those sessions as an opportunity to build the group into a more effective team through the arguments and discussions that arise. It is definitely not wasted energy. Given time, some specific skills, and the willingness to work through an issue, the group actually grows into a much stronger team. Finally, what to do with all this information about the differing communication styles of women and men? Awareness of how the conversational styles of women and men differ makes it easier for you to ensure that each athlete has a voice and is heard by you and by the other athletes on your team. There really is no one best way to communicate, but understanding your own personal communication style and preferences, and then listening for the style and preferences of others, will go a very long way in improving the effectiveness of your coaching and the success of your athletes.
References Tannen, Deborah. 1990. You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. New York: Ballantine Books. Tannen, Deborah. 1995. The power of talk: who gets heard and why. Harvard Business Review 73:138-148. |
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2001 Understanding
The Differences Between How Women And Men Communicate Download
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2001 Coaching Association of Canada, Coaching
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